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I'm Not Okay

by Better Promises

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    I am sorry for the harsh things posited in this album. By no way is it meant to diminish anyone's reputation but my own, for being unable to respond with self-control and respect for others. It's up. It's out. It's sung and done. Instead of pretending it didn't happen I can just showcase my faults for others to view. I mean, the album title captures things really well. I was not okay for a lot of reasons that are completely unrelated to the main motif of this album which is going through a break up. Going through that just brought out the true problems that I was ignoring. By no means does my depression and suicidal thoughts get blamed on anyone besides myself.

    I am the one responsible for everything I do.
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    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of HelpHelpHelpTuffTuffTuff (DeluxeDeluxeDeluxe), Stuck in this Magic Martian Dream, Stuck in this Magic, Kid with the Dream, June 1st is Martian Day, Figure 27: Two Views of Asymptotic Stability, empty chair, An Eli, and 46 more. , and , .

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1.
Dear Brandon Gross Let me start out by saying that since we met, you have been nothing but kind, generous, and charming. Your good nature is incomparable, and you genuinely deserve the best out of life. However, it has come to my attention that you have been betrayed in a way that may have not yet been articulated to you. in rather passing, and over the last year or so, your girlfriend, ***** *****, has been indulging in promiscuities and intimacies with other individuals. This group of individuals includes, but is not limited to: ****** ****, ******* *******, ******* ********, and ******* ******. Although it pains me to inform you of these details, I feel that the way you have been treated by Miss ***** is not only disrespectful, but truly unfair, unfortunate, and unjust. Please know that I deliver these particulars not out of malice or revenge, but simply because you deserve to know the truth, especially when regarding your heart. I cannot begin to express my condolences and sympathies, but I do hope for all the best for you. I am so very sorry. Sincerely, An Anonymous Friend
2.
Voicemail #1 01:17
3.
Everyone forgets about sad things When you sing a happy song Sing along Sing along Sing along Sing along Sing along Sing along (This song sucks!!!)
4.
Hey you beautiful man! Thank you a billion times for letting me use your computer. That takes a lot of trust and I really appreciate it! I honestly wouldn’t trust myself with it and I’m trying hard not to break it. Is it broken?! *fingers crossed* J So…anyways thank you. I feel like kind of a user, I wish I could’ve tooken you homez. I wundur howe meny werds eii cen mespell een aay rowee. Hehe. I love you so so so so much, and I can’t wait to see you and cuddle you again. You mean the world to me and we should get married. ;D Thanks again you are a life saver boy <3
5.
It's getting really hard to hold your hand Without thinking about anything other than the day That I got that letter and I felt like total shit I'm having a hard time getting over it Today I'm not okay
6.
Voicemail #2 01:21
7.
Romeo 02:43
I could have been the cheater But unlike you I said no I could have kept a secret And been with her even though I was fully committed to you I could have done it and no one would know But I don’t want to be your Romeo anymore   Because I’m tired of our families feuding They do or don’t believe in god And it’s odd cause I’ve been sort of on the fence too And that’s why I’m sort of on the fence about you One year, two, three year, four I’m not quite sure I can make it through one more Now I’d never break up with you for some other girl But I might just have to because I thought about her Oh god I thought about her My soul is shrewd and my heart is calloused My mind is lost and my thoughts are reckless I thought love would conquer all I thought we would break down walls but they’re still standing 8-10 feet tall   I’m broken on the inside I’m a thousand puzzle pieces thrown across the floor But someone stole the box So I’m not sure What I’m supposed to be anymore
8.
555 04:35
9.
Spare Tire 05:32
This is the song you've been waiting for Where I bitch and moan and call you a whore But that's not my style, I'm not that immature I'll break the bad news through a metaphor I can hear your footsteps on my back porch I run to close the door But it's a revolving door You're the injured pet that ran away from the vet You're the last cigarette until next paycheck You're the sunburn, you're the sunburn on the back of my neck You're the tastebud falling off the tip of my tongue You're the last melody from the song we just sung I want you back but I don't want you back You're every ounce of weight I lost You're an orphan with chicken pox I'm a light, I'm a candle and you're a moth You're a cancer, you're a spider You're the milk that just expired In the back of my trunk's where you'll find her She's the spare tire 4 years of driving was quite a lot Everyone was waiting for you to pop You did, and you took the whole car with You went down, I went down When you went down, I went down You went down, I went down When you went down, I went down Let’s let the crowd decide Who was wrong and who was right Divide, pick sides, I’m on the left She’s on the right Was it the Tire or the Driver? Was it the Tire or the Driver? Certainly the tire was flawed It was weak and it randomly popped Couldn’t take the heat and everyone saw You’re not getting away with this fraud Enter the mechanic Noticed the problem very quick Pointed to where the car sat on it’s rim And said, “There, The problem is this” Ahhh! Now you’re speaking the truth I guess that puts you on my side too “No, Sure the tire blew But the blame is all on you” Enter the insurance company They also put the blame all on me Why were you driving on a spare That’s just not fair The tire did its best It’s not meant to go through that much stress So certainly you cause this mess Forget everything those two said Listen to me, the driver’s best friend The tire exploded and left him for dead Certainly this conversation must end I know I have no right to speak You’re right, I was far too weak But I didn’t want to let you down So I tried my best and stuck around I’m I set the car on fire I never meant to be a liar I thought I could be Something that wasn’t me I tried for you I lied for you Because you’re such a wonderful car But I’m just a spare and that’s how things are Blame the Tire Blame the Driver Blame the Tire Blame the Driver It doesn’t matter who you blame They both burnt up the same
10.
Voicemail #3 02:49
11.
A Blanket 04:21
Don't pretend that you care Just don't even bother I'll give you the same treatment I gave to my father I'll ignore every call I won't respond to any text And if were ever in the same room I'll pretend that you don't exist I'll convince myself to hate you That's the only way I'll get by Make enemies of those you can't explain And hold that grudge till you die We All Die I'll take the only piece of you that's still left in my life And carry it out to the back of pier 39 I'll see how far I can throw Send it out to sea But with my luck though The next time I'm at the beach I'll be wading in the ocean Water up to my knees And I'll feel something brush Across the top of my feet I'll reach down and grab What I'd hoped to never see An ugly reminder Of what we used to be We used to be We used to be Then I'll wish to myself That I burnt it down Instead Of letting it drown I'll ignore every call I won't respond to any text If we're ever in the same room I'll pretend you don't exist I'll convince myself to hate you Cause that's the only way that I'll get by Get by I'm having trouble sleeping Because thoughts of you keep creeping Into my mind, Half the time I wish you were back in my life Half the time I wish that you just died So that there would be no possibility Of me ever thinking we Could work this out If I tried a little bit harder And I pushed a little more The tide would rise Bring you back to the shore Back to shore Come back to shore You came back too sure I'm not sure How can you be so sure This is not okay I'm not okay No I'm not okay This is not okay I'm not okay
12.
I've got a place less than a block away From where you lay and reside each day I used to dream each night that we Would get married and live happily I saw what I wanted to see Instead of what is I kept the problems hid I was dreamed too big Man, was I a dumb kid But you said that you loved me You said that you loved me You said that you loved me So I gave you the key to my house and my heart And I Let you in I won't be doing that again So I've got to move somewhere far Because everything reminds me of you And all the beauty that you are You know I still have that leaf That we found that first date The one you told me to keep But should I throw it away Should I close the door And say that this has gone bad Admit that there's no more love to be had I mean let's not pretend we always got along There was reasons why I wrote those songs There was reasons you quit So I fearfully admit That my life has gone to shit And there's no point in saving it But don't say that you love me Don't say that you love me Don't say that you love me Because you're tainting the word And I'm not sure what definition you've heard But you're wrong I don't know much but I know you're wrong Boy, You've got to find joy You're life isn't done Hell it's hardly begun Sure there's good times behind you That you'll never forget But please just remember There's twice as many ahead So move and move on Move and move on Because everyday you stay you're withering away Move and move on I'm gonna move and move on Move and move on Move and move on I don't want to move Or move on
13.
Dear Mr. and Mrs. ***** (Hey guys...) Well I'm moving out of town and I just wanted to say how thankful I was and am for the impact you've made on my life. It's funny to think about because I didn't realize how much of an influence you guys had on me. As you surely know by now, my family life is basically non-existent. Dad out of the picture and mom busy with work; No one went to each other’s sports events or shows or supported each other in any manner. We pretty much just fought all the time. It was cool to see that you guys supported each other and we're at every basketball game as a family and have family movie nights. It was something that was very odd and unfamiliar to me, but I am learning now how cool of a thing that is. It was awesome that almost every time I was over at your house there was always another extended family member there, whether that was a grandparent, an uncle, an aunt, a whoever. It is really cool to see how important the "Family" was in your life. It's something that was really cool for me to experience in a secondhand way. Again there was almost always someone’s friend over as well. You guys have a very open house and it's a nice feeling and something that I hope I can make my home feel like in my future. Something that I notice all the time that I have walked away with from your family is an enjoyment and a celebration for Holidays. As a kid we never celebrated holidays at all, perhaps money issue, perhaps lack of active parenting and general joy in the household. Regardless, I have noticed that celebrating holidays is way to unite people and to pump little burst of happiness, activity, routine, and excitement on a monthly basis. You guys we're so profoundly nice to me. Always offering to help with rides places, Letting me know I could ask you guys for anything I needed and insuring me that your house was a place of refuge for me. You guys always gave me little holiday baskets and bags with candy and fun stuff in them. I haven't received gifts from my family in many years so it was super cool and I can't repay you for the emotional uplift that gave me; that there was someone who was thinking about me and went out of their way to get me a gift. Every single time I was at your house you guys always insisted on me eating food and eating this, taking that, "Want a hot dog? We have hot dogs! A Hot Dog? Yes? Yes? A Hot Dog? No? No hot dog? You want a Quesadilla?! We have quesadillas! And Corndogs, Do you want corn dogs? And Goldfish? Do you want Goldfish?!" It was so funny and odd to me. I seriously didn't know how to react. The way things went down at my house was someone making food, eating as much as they could without telling anyone, and then hiding it so they could eat the rest of it later. My family was/is so darn selfish and I noticed it long ago and set out to be the opposite of that I wanted to be as selfless as I could be. Always putting others needs before my own. I never want to be a burden on anyone. That's why it's so tough for me to ask for help from anyone. Anyhow it was truly wonderful and surprising to see the openness, hospitality, and kindness that you guys have. I know that you guys are probably just thinking of all of the bickering that happens in your family and that surely things aren't nearly as perfect as I'm describing. I'm not saying in any way that you guys are perfect, duh, but you guys have definitely effected my life in such a big positive way that I am just now realizing, now that it is something that is no longer a part of my life. I truly miss you guys. I wish I could have still been involved in your guy’s lives. I'm writing you because, well, I'm moving away and unfortunately ***** has made one thing clear, that she no longer wants me in her life in any capacity really. Which is fine, and this is a choice she is totally allowed to make. I wish I knew why. I wish she was willing to at least talk to me and explain what motived her decision, but I guess that is something that I'll have to live without knowing. Anyways, I feel like I never had a real goodbye to you guys and that our relationship, just like the relationship between ***** and I, kind of just stopped randomly. I owe you so much for the positive role you have played on my life whether you knew it or not. Thank You, Infinitely. So in rightful fashion, I made a super duper big candy basket for you all. I wish you guys the best wherever life takes your family. Thanks Again, Brandon
14.
Voicemail #4 00:17
15.
Happy Song 00:48
Maybe if I sing a happy song People will think my heart is strong And they'll stop asking me questions like "What is wrong?" Saying they're sorry and they love me and they don't want to see me hurt Well I've been hurting the whole fucking time and she was the only one invested in my life And I broke her heart and lost her love in search for a god above That even I can't find I have searched every crevice inside mind And now all I'm left with is insanity Filled my head with questions of uncertainty Like if I can't even love myself How can I expect that from anybody else? So I took that stupid book off the shelf and I burned it on a beach in Santa Cruz So now that I've got nothing else left to lose Let me sing you a happy tune
16.
My love for you is like a rich dense cake Like the whipped cream on an Oreo shake Like a double fudge triple chocolate chip brownie My love for you is so damn sweet My love for you I like an apple pie It gets better with every bite My love for you is like a fruity tart And you stole, you stole, you stole my heart You stole my heart I'm on a sugar high I can feel my blood pumping And even I can hear my heart thumping You've got me deep-Ly in love Your lips taste like raspberry lemonade And I get lost swimming in that fruity lake We'll ride root beer floats and marshmallows boats Cause you look so damn good in that sugar coat You're love is like a pomegranate It tastes so good but it's hard to get And your love is like a box of otter pops I want more and more and I just can't stop I can't stop I'm on a sugar high I can feel my blood pumping And even I can hear my heart thumping You've got me deep You've got me deep You've got me deep-Ly in love
17.
I'll pick up every call I'll respond to every text When we're ever in the same room You're the only one that exists I'll convince myself to love you Because deep in my heart somewhere I'm still a good guy Learn to love the things you can't explain Hold onto that until you die We all die We all die I have never been found of Goodbye's But for the sake of being nice Good Bye Good Bye Good Bye
18.
I'm a quarter in a coin funnel at the mall Unless the same kid with the perfect face I'll spin around and round, But I'm guaranteed to fall That threw me down here in the first place Decides for half a second that he wants to save me And grabs me by tail an my head Saving me from what was surely instant death But now I want to know what's down that black hole So let me go god Let me go god Let me go I need to be free So let me go god You were the window in my jail cell You have me false hope I escaping this hell But now I see the windows were barred the whole time and I'm not getting out So I'll bury my head in the sand And I'll never think about you again Then I'll finally, yeah I'll finally be content So let me go god Let me go god Let me go I need to be free So let me go god Even if scientists Can prove that my god exists Is it okay that I persist To stay on this side of the fence Because I'd rather be happy and wrong Than right and miserable So let me go god Let me go god Let me go I need to be free So let me go god

about

This is more of a story then a "CD" as one might expect. It goes over many themes, but a strong one is the theme of dealing with loss and losing all faith in god because of it. This was written at a very unhealthy point in my life. Many motifs of the album are emotions that are no longer as strong in me today as they were months ago so I struggled with whether I should even share this. I am sharing this not to point any blame at anyone but in hopes that maybe someone else can learn from the experiences that I have had. We all make mistakes. We choose how to respond to things. I am choosing now to respond with love. I can't say that was true for me 6 months ago. I was hurt and I was having trouble coping. With that in mind I hope you enjoy the album, "I'm Not Okay" by Better Promises

credits

released August 13, 2013

Everything is recorded By Brandon Gross at "'This Is Also Where I Sleep' ...Studio".
Additional Vocals: Daniel Marovich, ***** *****, Amy Spencer, Brandon Lelend, Kevin Hoogerwerf, Brayden Deskins, Robbie Ernst, Maria Palma, Robert Escobedo.

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Better Promises San Jose, California

Brandon Gross is making music.

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