I'm Not Okay

by Better Promises

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    I am sorry for the harsh things posited in this album. By no way is it meant to diminish anyone's reputation but my own, for being unable to respond with self-control and respect for others. It's up. It's out. It's sung and done. Instead of pretending it didn't happen I can just showcase my faults for others to view. I mean, the album title captures things really well. I was not okay for a lot of reasons that are completely unrelated to the main motif of this album which is going through a break up. Going through that just brought out the true problems that I was ignoring. By no means does my depression and suicidal thoughts get blamed on anyone besides myself.
    I am the one responsible for everything I do.

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    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of 2017 Spring Tour Sampler, Double Christmas, Double Vanity, Double Vanity (Acoustic), Axel Ep, Cupid's Weekend, Drunk On Christmas Spirits, Do You Want To Fuck a Snowman?!, and 6 more. , and , .

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about

This is more of a story then a "CD" as one might expect. It goes over many themes, but a strong one is the theme of dealing with loss and losing all faith in god because of it. This was written at a very unhealthy point in my life. Many motifs of the album are emotions that are no longer as strong in me today as they were months ago so I struggled with whether I should even share this. I am sharing this not to point any blame at anyone but in hopes that maybe someone else can learn from the experiences that I have had. We all make mistakes. We choose how to respond to things. I am choosing now to respond with love. I can't say that was true for me 6 months ago. I was hurt and I was having trouble coping. With that in mind I hope you enjoy the album, "I'm Not Okay" by Better Promises

credits

released August 13, 2013

Everything is recorded By Brandon Gross at "'This Is Also Where I Sleep' ...Studio".
Additional Vocals: Daniel Marovich, ***** *****, Amy Spencer, Brandon Lelend, Kevin Hoogerwerf, Brayden Deskins, Robbie Ernst, Maria Palma, Robert Escobedo.

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Better Promises San Jose, California

Brandon Gross is making music.

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Track Name: Dear Brandon Gross
Dear Brandon Gross
Let me start out by saying that since we met, you have been nothing but kind, generous, and charming. Your good nature is incomparable, and you genuinely deserve the best out of life.

However, it has come to my attention that you have been betrayed in a way that may have not yet been articulated to you. in rather passing, and over the last year or so, your girlfriend, ***** *****, has been indulging in promiscuities and intimacies with other individuals. This group of individuals includes, but is not limited to: ****** ****, ******* *******, ******* ********, and ******* ******. Although it pains me to inform you of these details, I feel that the way you have been treated by Miss ***** is not only disrespectful, but truly unfair, unfortunate, and unjust.

Please know that I deliver these particulars not out of malice or revenge, but simply because you deserve to know the truth, especially when regarding your heart. I cannot begin to express my condolences and sympathies, but I do hope for all the best for you. I am so very sorry.

Sincerely,
An Anonymous Friend
Track Name: Happy Song, Sing Along
Everyone forgets about sad things
When you sing a happy song

Sing along
Sing along
Sing along

Sing along
Sing along
Sing along (This song sucks!!!)
Track Name: Letter Left On Laptop
Hey you beautiful man! Thank you a billion times for letting me use your computer. That takes a lot of trust and I really appreciate it! I honestly wouldn’t trust myself with it and I’m trying hard not to break it. Is it broken?! *fingers crossed* J So…anyways thank you. I feel like kind of a user, I wish I could’ve tooken you homez. I wundur howe meny werds eii cen mespell een aay rowee. Hehe. I love you so so so so much, and I can’t wait to see you and cuddle you again. You mean the world to me and we should get married. ;D Thanks again you are a life saver boy <3
Track Name: Two Months Later
It's getting really hard to hold your hand
Without thinking about anything other than the day
That I got that letter and I felt like total shit
I'm having a hard time getting over it
Today
I'm not okay
Track Name: Romeo
I could have been the cheater
But unlike you I said no
I could have kept a secret
And been with her even though
I was fully committed to you
I could have done it and no one would know
But I don’t want to be your Romeo anymore
 
Because I’m tired of our families feuding
They do or don’t believe in god
And it’s odd cause I’ve been sort of on the fence too
And that’s why I’m sort of on the fence about you
One year, two, three year, four
I’m not quite sure I can make it through one more
Now I’d never break up with you for some other girl
But I might just have to because I thought about her
Oh god I thought about her
My soul is shrewd and my heart is calloused
My mind is lost and my thoughts are reckless
I thought love would conquer all
I thought we would break down walls
but they’re still standing 8-10 feet tall
 
I’m broken on the inside
I’m a thousand puzzle pieces thrown across the floor
But someone stole the box
So I’m not sure
What I’m supposed to be anymore
Track Name: Spare Tire
This is the song you've been waiting for
Where I bitch and moan and call you a whore
But that's not my style, I'm not that immature
I'll break the bad news through a metaphor
I can hear your footsteps on my back porch
I run to close the door
But it's a revolving door
You're the injured pet that ran away from the vet
You're the last cigarette until next paycheck
You're the sunburn, you're the sunburn on the back of my neck
You're the tastebud falling off the tip of my tongue
You're the last melody from the song we just sung
I want you back but I don't want you back
You're every ounce of weight I lost
You're an orphan with chicken pox
I'm a light, I'm a candle and you're a moth
You're a cancer, you're a spider
You're the milk that just expired
In the back of my trunk's where you'll find her
She's the spare tire
4 years of driving was quite a lot
Everyone was waiting for you to pop
You did, and you took the whole car with

You went down, I went down
When you went down, I went down
You went down, I went down
When you went down, I went down

Let’s let the crowd decide
Who was wrong and who was right
Divide, pick sides,

I’m on the left She’s on the right
Was it the Tire or the Driver?
Was it the Tire or the Driver?

Certainly the tire was flawed
It was weak and it randomly popped
Couldn’t take the heat and everyone saw
You’re not getting away with this fraud

Enter the mechanic
Noticed the problem very quick
Pointed to where the car sat on it’s rim
And said,

“There, The problem is this”

Ahhh! Now you’re speaking the truth
I guess that puts you on my side too

“No, Sure the tire blew
But the blame is all on you”

Enter the insurance company

They also put the blame all on me

Why were you driving on a spare
That’s just not fair
The tire did its best
It’s not meant to go through that much stress
So certainly you cause this mess

Forget everything those two said
Listen to me, the driver’s best friend
The tire exploded and left him for dead
Certainly this conversation must end

I know I have no right to speak
You’re right, I was far too weak
But I didn’t want to let you down
So I tried my best and stuck around
I’m I set the car on fire
I never meant to be a liar
I thought I could be
Something that wasn’t me
I tried for you
I lied for you
Because you’re such a wonderful car
But I’m just a spare and that’s how things are

Blame the Tire
Blame the Driver
Blame the Tire
Blame the Driver
It doesn’t matter who you blame
They both burnt up the same
Track Name: A Blanket
Don't pretend that you care
Just don't even bother
I'll give you the same treatment I gave to my father

I'll ignore every call
I won't respond to any text
And if were ever in the same room
I'll pretend that you don't exist
I'll convince myself to hate you
That's the only way I'll get by
Make enemies of those you can't explain
And hold that grudge till you die
We All Die

I'll take the only piece of you that's still left in my life
And carry it out to the back of pier 39
I'll see how far I can throw
Send it out to sea
But with my luck though
The next time I'm at the beach
I'll be wading in the ocean
Water up to my knees
And I'll feel something brush
Across the top of my feet
I'll reach down and grab
What I'd hoped to never see
An ugly reminder
Of what we used to be
We used to be
We used to be
Then I'll wish to myself
That I burnt it down
Instead Of letting it drown

I'll ignore every call
I won't respond to any text
If we're ever in the same room
I'll pretend you don't exist
I'll convince myself to hate you
Cause that's the only way that I'll get by
Get by

I'm having trouble sleeping
Because thoughts of you keep creeping
Into my mind, Half the time
I wish you were back in my life
Half the time I wish that you just died
So that there would be no possibility
Of me ever thinking we
Could work this out
If I tried a little bit harder
And I pushed a little more
The tide would rise
Bring you back to the shore
Back to shore
Come back to shore
You came back too sure
I'm not sure
How can you be so sure
This is not okay
I'm not okay
No I'm not okay
This is not okay
I'm not okay
Track Name: Move, And Move On
I've got a place less than a block away
From where you lay and reside each day
I used to dream each night that we
Would get married and live happily
I saw what I wanted to see
Instead of what is
I kept the problems hid
I was dreamed too big
Man, was I a dumb kid

But you said that you loved me
You said that you loved me
You said that you loved me
So I gave you the key to my house and my heart
And I Let you in
I won't be doing that again

So I've got to move somewhere far
Because everything reminds me of you
And all the beauty that you are
You know I still have that leaf
That we found that first date
The one you told me to keep
But should I throw it away
Should I close the door
And say that this has gone bad
Admit that there's no more love to be had
I mean let's not pretend we always got along
There was reasons why I wrote those songs
There was reasons you quit
So I fearfully admit
That my life has gone to shit
And there's no point in saving it

But don't say that you love me
Don't say that you love me
Don't say that you love me
Because you're tainting the word
And I'm not sure what definition you've heard
But you're wrong
I don't know much but I know you're wrong

Boy, You've got to find joy
You're life isn't done
Hell it's hardly begun
Sure there's good times behind you
That you'll never forget
But please just remember
There's twice as many ahead
So move and move on
Move and move on
Because everyday you stay you're withering away
Move and move on

I'm gonna move and move on
Move and move on
Move and move on
I don't want to move

Or move on
Track Name: Dear Mr. and Mrs. ***** Family
Dear Mr. and Mrs. ***** (Hey guys...)
Well I'm moving out of town and I just wanted to say how thankful I was and am for the impact you've made on my life. It's funny to think about because I didn't realize how much of an influence you guys had on me. As you surely know by now, my family life is basically non-existent. Dad out of the picture and mom busy with work; No one went to each other’s sports events or shows or supported each other in any manner. We pretty much just fought all the time. It was cool to see that you guys supported each other and we're at every basketball game as a family and have family movie nights. It was something that was very odd and unfamiliar to me, but I am learning now how cool of a thing that is. It was awesome that almost every time I was over at your house there was always another extended family member there, whether that was a grandparent, an uncle, an aunt, a whoever. It is really cool to see how important the "Family" was in your life. It's something that was really cool for me to experience in a secondhand way. Again there was almost always someone’s friend over as well. You guys have a very open house and it's a nice feeling and something that I hope I can make my home feel like in my future. Something that I notice all the time that I have walked away with from your family is an enjoyment and a celebration for Holidays. As a kid we never celebrated holidays at all, perhaps money issue, perhaps lack of active parenting and general joy in the household. Regardless, I have noticed that celebrating holidays is way to unite people and to pump little burst of happiness, activity, routine, and excitement on a monthly basis.
You guys we're so profoundly nice to me. Always offering to help with rides places, Letting me know I could ask you guys for anything I needed and insuring me that your house was a place of refuge for me. You guys always gave me little holiday baskets and bags with candy and fun stuff in them. I haven't received gifts from my family in many years so it was super cool and I can't repay you for the emotional uplift that gave me; that there was someone who was thinking about me and went out of their way to get me a gift. Every single time I was at your house you guys always insisted on me eating food and eating this, taking that, "Want a hot dog? We have hot dogs! A Hot Dog? Yes? Yes? A Hot Dog? No? No hot dog? You want a Quesadilla?! We have quesadillas! And Corndogs, Do you want corn dogs? And Goldfish? Do you want Goldfish?!" It was so funny and odd to me. I seriously didn't know how to react. The way things went down at my house was someone making food, eating as much as they could without telling anyone, and then hiding it so they could eat the rest of it later. My family was/is so darn selfish and I noticed it long ago and set out to be the opposite of that I wanted to be as selfless as I could be. Always putting others needs before my own. I never want to be a burden on anyone. That's why it's so tough for me to ask for help from anyone. Anyhow it was truly wonderful and surprising to see the openness, hospitality, and kindness that you guys have. I know that you guys are probably just thinking of all of the bickering that happens in your family and that surely things aren't nearly as perfect as I'm describing. I'm not saying in any way that you guys are perfect, duh, but you guys have definitely effected my life in such a big positive way that I am just now realizing, now that it is something that is no longer a part of my life. I truly miss you guys. I wish I could have still been involved in your guy’s lives. I'm writing you because, well, I'm moving away and unfortunately ***** has made one thing clear, that she no longer wants me in her life in any capacity really. Which is fine, and this is a choice she is totally allowed to make. I wish I knew why. I wish she was willing to at least talk to me and explain what motived her decision, but I guess that is something that I'll have to live without knowing. Anyways, I feel like I never had a real goodbye to you guys and that our relationship, just like the relationship between ***** and I, kind of just stopped randomly. I owe you so much for the positive role you have played on my life whether you knew it or not. Thank You, Infinitely. So in rightful fashion, I made a super duper big candy basket for you all. I wish you guys the best wherever life takes your family.
Thanks Again,

Brandon
Track Name: Happy Song
Maybe if I sing a happy song
People will think my heart is strong
And they'll stop asking me questions like "What is wrong?"
Saying they're sorry and they love me and they don't want to see me hurt
Well I've been hurting the whole fucking time and she was the only one invested in my life
And I broke her heart and lost her love in search for a god above
That even I can't find
I have searched every crevice inside mind
And now all I'm left with is insanity
Filled my head with questions of uncertainty
Like if I can't even love myself
How can I expect that from anybody else?
So I took that stupid book off the shelf and I burned it on a beach in Santa Cruz
So now that I've got nothing else left to lose

Let me sing you a happy tune
Track Name: Miss FruitButt
My love for you is like a rich dense cake
Like the whipped cream on an Oreo shake
Like a double fudge triple chocolate chip brownie
My love for you is so damn sweet
My love for you I like an apple pie
It gets better with every bite
My love for you is like a fruity tart
And you stole, you stole, you stole my heart
You stole my heart

I'm on a sugar high
I can feel my blood pumping
And even I can hear my heart thumping
You've got me deep-Ly in love

Your lips taste like raspberry lemonade
And I get lost swimming in that fruity lake
We'll ride root beer floats and marshmallows boats
Cause you look so damn good in that sugar coat
You're love is like a pomegranate
It tastes so good but it's hard to get
And your love is like a box of otter pops
I want more and more and I just can't stop
I can't stop

I'm on a sugar high
I can feel my blood pumping
And even I can hear my heart thumping
You've got me deep
You've got me deep
You've got me deep-Ly in love
Track Name: A Really Awesome Blanket (Reprise)
I'll pick up every call
I'll respond to every text
When we're ever in the same room
You're the only one that exists
I'll convince myself to love you
Because deep in my heart somewhere I'm still a good guy
Learn to love the things you can't explain
Hold onto that until you die
We all die
We all die
I have never been found of
Goodbye's
But for the sake of being nice
Good Bye
Good Bye

Good Bye
Track Name: Let Me Go [Bonus Track]
I'm a quarter in a coin funnel at the mall
Unless the same kid with the perfect face
I'll spin around and round, But I'm guaranteed to fall
That threw me down here in the first place
Decides for half a second that he wants to save me
And grabs me by tail an my head
Saving me from what was surely instant death
But now I want to know what's down that black hole

So let me go god
Let me go god
Let me go
I need to be free
So let me go god

You were the window in my jail cell
You have me false hope I escaping this hell
But now I see the windows were barred the whole time and I'm not getting out
So I'll bury my head in the sand
And I'll never think about you again
Then I'll finally, yeah I'll finally be content

So let me go god
Let me go god
Let me go
I need to be free
So let me go god

Even if scientists
Can prove that my god exists
Is it okay that I persist
To stay on this side of the fence
Because I'd rather be happy and wrong
Than right and miserable

So let me go god
Let me go god
Let me go
I need to be free

So let me go god